Surviving In"dependent"ly

Blogging after about 10 months. But, the environment in which I am blogging is almost the same - I have a long travel ahead of me. But, this time, I am sitting at the Dubai airport, observing all the serious, contemplating faces around me.

As I watch them contemplate their own thoughts, here I go with mine. – something that I believe will be of use to atleast some of you, if not all.

What I am gonna write about is something about those women who have made that hard decision to move from their respective well-established environments to a new one where they had to start afresh to create their own identity.

It is now about 15 months for me - away from my country, family and more importantly HOME. This is a very common transition that most Indian girls go through, especially if they have chosen their life partners to be away from the country.

In India, this fantasy of “settling abroad” has always existed, though the intensity of the same may have come down off-late. This notion, however, has never fantasized me. It’s just that I never had an opinion about it, perhaps because I pretty much knew that I was gonna visit Uncle Sam some day. Well, if you had end up choosing your life partner just around the same time you had chosen your career, you don’t have much of an option. Do you?:)

As I reminisce, I begin to recollect that someone once told me, after I had landed in the US – “Welcome to the world of opportunities”. Well, Yes it is, indeed.  But, the question really is, “Are those opportunities easy to pursue?”. The answer is “It all depends on you”.

Women get married and are initially excited to start their lives in a new country, where they get to meet people from across the world, they get to visit places that they might have never seen before, they get to experiment with new things and so on. But, this is just one side of the story – the side that their “little world” back home gets to know. It is the other side of this story that’s not ‘very easy’. This blog is about that “other side”.

Back in India, I had a well established career - a job that I loved, a job where I was performing well, a job that gave me amazing peers to work with, a job that gave me an amazing boss. Everything was so perfect about it.  Back in India, I had an identity for myself.  Then came a day when I had to make that hard decision of leaving that job to step into the US. Till date, that has been one of the toughest decisions I have had to make – a choice between a perfect job and a perfect life partner. Atleast, in my case, I was mentally prepared to accept the choice, as I had expected it to happen. But, there are a lot of women out there who end up making these decisions without being much prepared for it.

US, as most of us know, has a significant immigrant population, which includes people like me. In my opinion, the country looks at immigrants as a ‘double-edged sword’. On one end, the government encourages foreign nationals to study and work here because that is an intellectual asset the country wants to capitalize on. On the other end, the government wants to protect the citizens from the immigrants taking all of their jobs. As a result, if you are someone who’s background is not in a specialized field (such as mine), you are not allowed to work. Well, every country has the right to do what’s best for her.  So, no debate about it!

In this macro picture of twist and turns, there emerge micro complications – the complications that people like me face.  Women, who have had successful careers back home, end up coming here and losing all their self-confidence as their life starts revolving around their little home.

I recently got acquainted with a woman who has had a 15-year successful teaching career in India. She had to leave that career when her husband got a job in the US. She has now been without a job for 4 years, not because she is not qualified but simply because she is not allowed to work here. In these 4 years, she has had several health problems, went into depression, suffered from thyroid and what not! She even told me that her friends back home can’t even recognize her now.

About few months back, I heard from another woman who, after having looked at my linkedin profile, e-mailed me asking if I could help her find jobs. As we exchanged e-mails, I realized that she had a very similar story to share.

I can completely empathize with both of them. I was in a similar circumstance until a few weeks back. The only plus point I had was that I was mentally prepared to carve out my way here. However, I will not say it was easy.  I had my own pit falls.

 As much as the concept of family/marriage is important to me, the concept of ‘career’ is no less important. With that in mind, a few weeks after I came here, I started looking for opportunities that I could pursue. I looked for NGOs in my locality that I could volunteer for.  I started talking to a lot of other women about what they had done to get their respective careers back.  These conversations gave me hope and direction. As I researched, I found out that studying further is one of the options I could consider. I then started exploring various courses that I could pursue in the local universities. After a lot of reading for few weeks, I decided that an MBA would be an ideal option for my career and interests. Hence, as a follow-up, I ended up going through the roller coaster ride of taking GMAT, TOEFL, filling out my MBA applications and so on. As this process got more rigorous, I leaned on my most favorite hobby for emotional and mental support – MUSIC. That’s when I realized the power of having a hobby!

As my decision to pursue MBA was communicated to my close set of stake holders, I was faced with several questions – questions such as “Do you really need an MBA?” , “Why don’t you just do some course that would keep you occupied?” , “If you pursue MBA, you will have to take a loan. Will you be able to repay it?”, “If you do MBA now, when will you start a family?, ”

I really appreciated all the questions because it only meant that I have people to care for me. But, with all due respect, the last question was what sounded the funniest to me. I “wanted” to tell my little world -  “Vignesh and I got married because we wanted to share our lives, ambitions and aspirations with each other.  Starting a family is just a result of this process and not the process itself”. But, ofcourse, I did not say anything! This question particularly, I think, is a reflection of our society. People believe that the next thing a woman should do, after marriage, is have babies. My simple question to “that” society is “WHY?”. Life is not a formula book!

It was during such times that I realized the important role your spouse could play. To be honest, some of these questions shook my confidence, especially the ones about the huge loan and the financial responsibility that this decision demanded. But, that’s when Vignesh told me “So what if we take a loan? We are young and we have an entire life to repay it. If you think this is best for you, go ahead and we will figure out a way together” After hearing those words, there was no looking back.

Today, I have an MBA admission with a school that is ranked top 15 in the US and I am no longer a ‘dependant’. Things are only going to get complex from here. But, atleast, I have a direction to look forward to.  Atleast, I have a path to take!

All of this that I have done is not anything special at all. There are so many women who go through this exact same thing with so much grace. While some of us have the access to information to survive, some do not. It is with this motive I have decided to start a social group, which I believe, will connect women like me, who can help each other figure out their respective paths in whichever geographical boundary they are in. Thanks to social media!

Honestly, I think this world would be a much better place to live in if people become more willing to share with each other what they know.

I hope to launch this in the coming weeks and I really hope and pray that those of you who are out there like me find this useful.

To conclude, carving out a path for yourself that too, in a completely new environment, is no joke. If you have already done that, give yourself a lot of credit.

If you are still in the process, all you need is grit & determination and needless to say, unconditional support from your spouse and parents. If you have these, consider yourself extremely lucky!